This week on Pete Versus Life...
the socially-challenged sports writing hopeful
faces an old foe on tip-top form...
ex-flatmate Jake,
who once survived eight days on an Arctic ice floe
after a dispute with his huskies.
There's Jerome, the fashionista
who also works as an informal prostitute.
And girly girl Rachel, who loves cooking
but is frightened of carrots.
Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.
Good evening, I'm Colin King.
And I'm Terry McIlroy.
And a typical start to a party, this, for Pete.
He's not a great mingler
and he's trying to avoid talking to Jake
by pretending to read a book on the care and upkeep of ponies.
Hello, Pete, great to see you.
How are you?
Fine.
Great. Well, that's really good.
How are you?
Absolutely fabulous, thanks for asking.
Still doing my polar ice core research, but now based in Egham.
How's the Arctic? Is it still melting?
Like you wouldn't believe.
The Government's doing absolutely nothing about it. It's criminal.
Still, Rachel's a great consolation.
'Well, to Jake and most well-adjusted people,
'this is a normal friendly conversation,
'but to Pete it's just a series of digs.'
'That's right, he's already ticked off the fact
'he's got an interesting job and a girlfriend.'
But I won't get to see her much, cos, at the end of the month,
I'm supposed to be going to some bloody conference in Madrid.
'Nice - backhanded mention of travel plus hitting job again.'
Which couldn't have come at a worse time,
because I'm supposed to be completing on my flat.
The only time I really get to myself is my marathon training.
Thanks for letting me unload.
Ah! Oh, fankoo!
So how's it all going with Rachel?
Oh, yeah, yeah, really well.
Very well indeed.
Oh? Is there something up?
No.
She getting on your nerves a bit? How do you mean?
All that girly stuff and the way she talks?
I mean, who says "fankoo" instead of "thank you"?
What's wrong with saying "fankoo"?
Nothing, it's good.
So, go on, tell me, what's happening?
No, no, no, no. I shouldn't.
Come on, let it all out.
You can speak to me. I think you'll find I'm a very good listener.
Well, she's got into this habit of...
Yeah?
When we're making, you know, love... Yeah?
Putting her finger up my bum. What?!
Yeah, just as I'm about to... Fire torpedoes?
Exactly, up it goes.
She is so cute. Fankoo, Anna.
You sure? She doesn't seem the type.
Somebody's putting their finger up there, and it sure ain't me!
I-I bet that can be a bit distracting?
It's, erm, it's a little bit more than that.
Hello, hello, Petey, hello.
What do you think of my ickle doll, Petey?
Yeah, it's not bad, nice.
Oh, see, Petey likes you.
Do you mind if me and my ickle doll borrow Jakey for a second?
No.
Fankoo.
All right, Pete. What happened to you?
I got sucked into The One Show. Oh, thanks very much.
All right, fellas. Oh, Rob.
Me and him are gonna go for a drink after this, do you fancy it?
Oh, no, I'd better not. I've gotta get up early and look at carpets.
I've gotta go give some nuts to Anna.
Hey, all.
Oh, hi, Rach. Food's nice. Fankoo. Yeah, I was gonna try some of these dips,
but you've run out of them little carrot sticks.
Oh, well, don't worry about that, use your fingey.
No, thanks, I...
Don't be shy.
No, really.
Come on.
No. I don't really like hummus.
But I made it all on my ownsome.
I'm allergic to lentils.
It's not made with lentils,
it's made with chickpeas. I meant chickpeas.
Eat it, Peter. No!
I'll try some.
Mmm, yeah, it's delicious.
Told you. Fankoo, Ollie.
What was all that about?
Rachel sticks her finger up Jake's bum during sex.
Shall we go?
'Oh, poor Ollie. He's gonna need a stiff drink after that.'
'Well, he did, and they had quite a night of it.'
'Yeah, they were refused entry to a nightclub,
'so ended up drinking till three in the morning in a Turkish restaurant.'
'And not a girl in sight. Classic Pete.'
'If we take a quick look at that restaurant's pricing policy for beer...
Oh, that's quite a mark-up.
Ah, demand and supply, Colin.
'But Ollie managing to look quite sprightly this morning.'
'Well, the damage will be all internal.'
Where's your rucksack?
Hmm?
Pete! My new trainers were in there,
they were a birthday present from Mexico.
'Pete's still getting a bit thrown by Ollie's girlfriend's name.'
Even though Ollie's been going out with her for quite a while,
she changed her name when she went into the fashion industry.
Mexico, of course, formerly Susan Bates of Penge.
Oh, you must've left them in that Turkish restaurant.
Oh, I must've left them, must I?
Let's go see if they're there.
'Well, Pete doesn't seem keen.
'Well, he was so cross about the price of the beer
'that he took matters into his own hands.
'As they were leaving the restaurant,
'Pete decided to nick the laminated board with the photos of the meals on offer.'
'Seems a bit petty, Terry.'
'But at the time, it seemed like justice.'
Well, might be worth hearing a bit more about these elusive trainers.
Aye, they're the must-have item this season, bit like perms used to be.
I think that was just footballers, Terry.
Yes? Hi. My friend here has something for you. Er, hello, we were here last night,
and, erm, I got home and somehow I ended up with this.
I only hope it wasn't too confusing for your customers.
I mean, I wouldn't recognise a kofta unless I saw a picture of it!
Beautiful photography, by the way. Spot on.
Oh, you haven't seen my rucksack, have you?
Rucksack? No rucksack here, no.
Oh, come on, you got your kebab poster back.
I think what my friend means is,
if it's not too much trouble, perhaps you could have another look?
I've already told you, no rucksack here.
OK, I see.
Perhaps, er, this will refresh your memory?
75 pence?
It's a fortune to these people.
Well, go on, then, have a look.
I'm telling you for the last time, innit, no rucksack here!
And I'm telling you, we can't think where else we might've left it.
There they are, there's your trainers!
Oh, come on, get 'em off, love! These are my momma's trainers.
Oh, don't be stupid, come on, hand 'em over.
Salak!
Oh, actually on second thoughts, I think we'd better make a move.
Salak!
I definitely need those trainers, mate...
you're gonna have to get me a new pair.
Don't worry, I'll give you the money.
Who said anything about you paying for 'em?
You're hardly gonna cough up for 'em.
Er, what's that supposed to mean? No, you can put that away as well.
I think I can scramble together enough pennies
to buy a pair of plimsolls, thank you very much. How much are they?
200 quid.
200 quid? That's fine.
Oh, he talked himself into that one, Terry.
A bit silly really, when you consider his last paid job
was writing the programme notes for Leyton Orient.
That's right, he falsified an interview with masseur Mike Lorensen,
ranking in order of preference the players Mike most enjoyed rubbing down.
Which led to some rather unfortunate chants from the away fans.
'But he's not exactly snapped into action, has he, Terry?'
'No, but he's got the best part of a week till the party,
'so he's watching this fascinating First Division mid-table battle.'
'Yes, he looks a very happy man there.
'He's got his pint of strong lager, his packet of crisps,
'but oh, no! Here's Anna.'
'Oh, that's a mistake he's not going to get away with...
'pretending he's not seen her.'
'Let's have a look at some Anna stats.
'No phobias, so quite fearless, although occasionally has nightmares
'that she's gained weight.
'Oh, here she comes, Terry!'
Pete?
Thought it was you. Oh, hello, Anna.
What are you doing here?
I'm just around the corner with Rob. Didn't you see me at the bar?
No.
Are you sure? Cos I saw you.
You were staring directly at me.
I thought you were gonna say something, then you just turned away.
Oh, it's my eyes. I really need some glasses.
But you seem to be watching the telly OK.
Well, I need them for distances.
But that is distance.
Ah...
Well, the truth is I was actually just miles away.
Then what was all that eyesight stuff?
I dunno.
I-I think I was probably just embarrassed
about being miles away. Why would that be embarrassing?
Unless you were lying and you just didn't want to say hello to me?
'Pete's painted himself into a corner on this one.'
'Yeah, he's got his excuses completely the wrong way round.
'If he'd opened with "I was miles away",
'the whole incident could've been brushed over in seconds,
'and he'd be back to the footie.'
'He didn't, so let's see what he's got in his locker.
'Oh, my word, he's pretending to cry! Absolutely astonishing.'
Pete, what's wrong?
Nothing, it's probably just best if you leave me alone, all right?
I can't leave you like this! Come and join us.
No, I-I think I'll just stay here and watch the football.
No, you're coming with me. But the football...!
No, come on.
What is it, Pete?
Yeah, come on, Pete - you're watering your beer down.
What was the score, by the way?
That's not important, Rob.
Now, come on, Pete, tell us what it is. You'll feel much better.
No, no, no, I'd really rather not...
'What's going on, Terry? Why doesn't he just make something up?'
'Well, his mind's frozen, Colin.'
'He can't think of anything, nothing at all, and, as we know
'from bitter experience, Pete doesn't cope well with pressure.'
'Well, it looks like he's got something.
'Yeah, and he's gonna go with it.'
Pete, tell us, what is it?
It's Jake.
When him and Rachel are having sex, she...
She keeps on sticking her finger up his bum.
And that's what's upset you?
He doesn't like it.
That's not so bad, is it?
We thought something terrible had happened to you.
No, you're right.
It's, it's, it's not that bad, is it?
Do you know what? I might just go and watch the rest of the football.
Hewo. In fact, I might just...
Rachel, you little minx! Fancy you sticking your finger up Jake's bum.
Pardon?
I think I might just go and catch the result at home.
Goodbye!
Well, Terry, now might be a good time to bring in TV presenter
and sex expert Tracey Cox
and ask the question, Tracey,
what exactly is the appeal of the finger up the bum?
Well, physically, a finger up the rectum
stimulates the prostate gland, which causes pleasure,
but, psychologically, it also excites,
because it's all about a notion of danger and taboo.
Well, thank you, Tracey.
Fascinating stuff.
'Doesn't look like Pete's getting his five a day there, Terry.'
'Well, I must say,
'I think a lot of nonsense gets talked about so-called nutrition...
these days.
'Surely, the clubs you played for had nutritionists, even back then?'
Aye, aye. Although we called 'em "barmen".
'Nice one, Terry.' 'Aye.'
Oh, hello, Jake. Why did you tell her?
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
What?!
Well, you know when your mind just goes... blank?
No. I suppose you wouldn't, would you?
Well, thanks to you, she's gone and dumped me now.
What? Just for that?
Anyway, what's the problem? I thought you didn't like the old finger up the bum.
There was a lot more to our relationship
than just a finger up a bum, OK?
Anyway... I kinda miss it now.
Oh, so you did like it?
No. But she did,
and that's what relationships are about,
Peter, respecting your partner's needs.
Listen, no-one needs to stick their finger up another person's bum.
Look, I'm sorry, all right? Just leave it to me, I'll sort it out.
I'll go over and see her.
No, just keep away from her, all right?
You've done enough damage already.
Howzit?
What's going on?
Pete's been gossiping about intimate aspects
of my relationship with my girlfriend, and, as a result, she's dumped me.
Ah, so you're the finger-up-the-bum guy?
'Oh, no, he's gone to Rachel's! Unbelievable!'
'Surely another mistake?'
Look, I'm really sorry,
and if I could turn back the clock,
I would never have blurted out that you stick your finger up...
Well, there's no need to say it, is there?
Jake's bum.
I can't believe he told you.
Yeah, I know, it was really indiscreet.
But, look, don't pin it all on Jake, cos I'm to blame as well.
Yes, I know you are. Well, you've apologised. You can go now.
Look, I didn't only come to apologise.
I'd really like to help patch things up between you two.
Well, that's not gonna happen.
Yeah, that's what he said.
Did he?
Yeah. Oh, you've spoken to Jake?
Yeah. I mean he told me not to bother, but, like, personally,
I really think that you've got something worth fighting for.
Oh, God, he really is a shit.
Do you want a drinkoo? Oh, yes, please.
'Now, that should've been his cue to go.'
'Aye, but he's always had a problem turning down free alcohol, Colin.'
Oh, he's just a twat, isn't he? He's such a sanctimonious twat.
He thinks everything he does is just so good.
What a tosser.
It was just such hard work trying to keep up with him.
Yeah, I know.
It's like, "Oh, look at me, I'm so manly with my big bushy beard."
You are so funny. You've really cheered me up.
Oh, fankoo.
Ah, always a pleasure, never a chore.
Oh...
Mmm... no, fanks.
What?
I-I'm single, you're single,
we're both... lonely. What's the harm?
Oh. Well, I mean, if you put it like that, you know.
'Surely no good can come of this, Terry?'
'No, indeed, Colin.'
'Well, the tongues are well and truly in, and there goes the hand.'
'Oompah, oompah, stick it up your jumper.'
'Yeah, I'm not sure, but I think he's just undone her bra.'
'Yeah, if we take a look at this
'with the audio isolated...'
'Yeah, there it is.' 'That's right, Colin,
'in old money, that's upstairs inside.'
'Well, a funny way to patch up a relationship, I must say.'
Come on, you want it as much as I do.
Yeah, you're right.
'Oh, that's a schoolboy error.
'We're back after these.'
And what seemed like a good idea after four bottles of Rioja,
now looking like a flawed decision.
I'll just go and put the kettle on.
Back in a seccy-wec.
Right-o.
'Oh, looks like the sexually voracious
'Sienna Miller character of last night has reverted to Julie Andrews,
'albeit with a hangover.
'And Pete using this opportunity to make good his escape.'
'Aye, we've all been there.
'Personally, I always nip out
'while they're still asleep.' 'What a gent.'
Now, I don't want you to get all, you know, cross with me,
but you do understand that last night was just a one-off?
Oh, yeah. No, it had one-nighter written all over it.
Oh, good,
because, um, I really think I can make a go of it with Jake.
Then my work here is done.
Oh, it's quite relaxing, sex, isn't it?
Blimey, did you do that?
Erm, I don't remember.
To be honest, I'm not feeling particularly proud of myself this morning.
No, me neither. I'm feeling pretty disgusted with myself as well.
What?
Well, you know, what was I thinking?
Ah... Last night was lovely, wasn't it? Thank you.
Well, yeah, fankoo.
OK, I'll see you around.
Oh, by the way...
Yeah?
Last night was great, and don't take this the wrong way,
but how comes I didn't get the finger up the bum?
What?!
Well, we all know you do it, and last night was perfectly nice,
but how come I didn't get the finger up the bum?
Oh, I see. Would you like it now?
What?
Would you like a finger up your bum now?
Well, not if you're in that mood.
Well, a well-intentioned fiasco there, but Pete now finally on the hunt for those trainers
in a rather strange outfit and looking a bit perturbed, Terry.
Well, he's taken the rather bold decision to nick the trainers, Colin.
Goodness me, this is of a very different magnitude
from the laminated photographs of Turkish food.
How's he rationalising this?
By promising to donate 35 quid to a charity,
and that's the amount he thinks a pair of trainers should cost.
So using that warped logic, he now sees himself as the good guy?
Exactly, Colin.
Let's see how he gets on.
Yes?
Hello. I'd like to look at the Raykis.
The Ryakis?
Er, yeah. Are you sure?
Yeah.
You know, because Etienne, he is wearing the Ryakis,
but if you buy the shoes, you won't look like that.
I know, he's got those stupid trousers on as well.
These shoes, they're a lot of money.
Well, can I have a look at them anyway, please?
What?
What size?
Oh, um...
N... Er... Size eight.
Really? You look more like a ten to me. I think you're a ten.
No, I'm eight. Should I measure your feet?
Have you ever heard the phrase "the customer's always right"?
No, I'm from Paris.
Just go and get the shoes, please.
'Well, that was a wrinkle he didn't expect.'
'Aye, but the snooty attitude of that shop assistant has only made him
'more determined to nick those trainers.'
'It doesn't look like he gave a lot of thought to his socks
'before he embarked on this caper.'
Here we are.
Thank you.
Please be careful not to damage them.
Why? A bit flimsy, are they? Cos they were knocked up in some sweatshop
by a group of six-year-olds?
Right, they're actually very good.
Very nice, very comfy. They're clearly too small.
You're ruining them.
No, no, I like a snug trainer. I'll take 'em.
OK.
'Looks to me like he's had an idea.'
Let's get these paid for, shall we?
'He's up to something.'
If we take a look at his vital signs, these are the sort of figures
you'd expect to see on an astronaut during take-off.
'So what's he going to do?'
Oh, I didn't know Sex And the City was on this time of day!
What?
Wanky shop!
'And they're off. Well, they look pretty evenly-matched, Terry.'
'Pete handicapped by having shoes two sizes too small,
'but the Frenchman equally hampered by his stupid shoes.'
'Indeed.'
Let's have a closer look at those.
Oh, dear!
Looks like something Lady Gaga might wear.
'Yeah, and the less said about his colleague's trousers, the better.'
'Oh, looks like Pete's dropped something, but he hasn't noticed.
'That's his little notebook, '
contains ideas on future articles in sport,
plus his own design for a car of the future.
That vision now sadly lost.
'So, Terry, Pete's rummaging around in a large bin.'
'He's realised if he's to present the stolen trainers
'to Ollie this evening as new, they're going to need a box.
'Now, this the wheelie bin used by the snooty shop,
'but he'll have to be very careful that he's not caught here, Colin.'
I thought it was you.
That's Pete Griffiths.
Oh, hello, Mr Spencer. Sorry, I thought I was going to get caught!
'Yes, Mr Spencer, '
Pete's old English teacher
'from Garston High in Watford.
Very well-liked.
Yeah, in sharp contrast
to Mr Small, the maths teacher,
who was unable to gain the kids' respect
because he wore a wig.
Fooling no-one.
So, how are things going?
Yeah, yeah, really well, really well.
I'm a sports journalist now. Well, you know, on and off.
And are you working on anything at the moment?
No, not at this exact moment, but, you know, a few irons in the fire...
Right.
Why are you in a bin?
I'm just trying to find a cardboard box for tonight.
Actually, Pete, I volunteer at a hostel.
Oh, no, no, I'm not a tramp!
No. No, I really am a sports writer.
In fact, I've got one of those little ideas books
that you told us about in English.
I must have dropped it when I was running away.
Look, if you won't go to the hostel, at least take this.
No, I don't need your money.
No!
Spend it on food.
No, Mr Spencer, I really am a sports writer.
I used to write the programme notes for Leyton Orient until I got fired.
Oh, brilliant!
So Pete off to Mexico's party
and he's looking quite pleased with himself, Terry.
That's right. Earlier on,
he gave Ollie the replacement trainers, and it seemed to go off rather well.
Let's take a look.
Oh...
Oh-ho-ho, brilliant!
When your old mate Pete says he'll get something done, he gets it done.
This is great, I can wear them to Mexico's party.
'There it is again.
'Mexico's a girl, not a country.' But I can't let you pay for them.
Oi, stop that! It's the least I can do, all right?
You've got me out of enough scrapes in the past. It's on me, all right?
Well, at least let's split it.
Well, if it'll make you feel better, OK.
I'll get my wallet.
It's 100 quid.
'No wonder he's in a good mood.
'All set for a night of fun at Mexico's party at Bar Scrota.'
Hello, Ollie. Hi, Mexico.
It's pronounced "Mehico".
Oh, yeah, sorry, Susan. I'll get the drinks in, then.
Oh, I should mention, they don't serve alcohol.
Is a really good thing.
Alcohol is one of the greatest poisons Western society ever produced.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Um, er, who's up for a fruit juice, then?
Bloody hell.
'Get ready to rumble.'
You!
Have we met?
Of course, when you stole my shoes from my shop.
What?!
Where are they?
You've got the shoes on.
What are you talking about?
He came into my shop and stole those trainers.
Now, you be very careful what you're saying, young man,
because in this country, that's slander.
You stole my shoes.
I certainly did not!
Mexico, didn't you buy those trainers for Ollie's birthday?
That's right, isn't it, Ollie?
Oh, yeah.
And I think this aggressive attitude
you've brought in with you is completely inappropriate.
Yeah, we're just trying to relax with a few glasses of fruit juice
and some ambient music, OK?
You stole those shoes.
Then how do you explain this?
It's the receipt.
I don't understand it.
I was sure it was you.
Look, we all make mistakes.
It might be all right to go around making wild accusations
in your country, France, but we live in a democracy, OK?
'He's got away with it, Terry!'
'Aye.'
Hi, guys. Lovely to see you... Mehico.
Hi, Jake.
Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
Five!
Isn't this place fantastic?
Finally, a bar that doesn't serve alcohol, you know?
You seem in a better mood. You over your split with Rachel?
Very much so.
Oh, good, cos quite frankly, mate, I think she's a bit of a nana.
I mean, those teddy bears all over her bedroom. It's like she's 12.
How do you know what's in her bedroom?
Oh, well, I hope you don't mind,
but me and Rachel, we actually had a bit of a bunk-up last night.
A bunk-up?
Yeah.
It was you. You dropped this while you were running. This is yours, isn't it?
"Cricket - why the bat must be smaller."
You've told me that idea before, Peter.
Look, hundreds of sports writers must have had the same idea.
Let me see this. "Ollie's girlfriends...
"Syrie, Angelique, Tanya, Colleen."
Huh! That's quite a list, Ollie.
Oh, and, Pete, you've made little comments after them.
"Mexico - I definitely would."
Why have you made a list of all of my past girlfriends?!
Because you've got so many, and sometimes it's hard to remember,
and so this is to avoid an embarrassing situation.
Er, the trainers? Now.
What, you want them?
Unless you want me to call the police.
Hurry up, Ollie, come on.
I'm having your trainers.
Thank you. Merci.
So you lost my trainers, and he stole you another pair?
Yeah, but, no, he...
Mexico!
Uh, can you believe her?! I mean, she's almost as bad as Rachel, huh?
By the way, you are so much better off out of that.
Seriously, mate.
She's really mental.
Hello. Oh, hello.
Yeah, the reason I'm over my break-up, Pete,
is because we're back together.
Ah. What have you said?
If it's any consolation, she didn't stick her finger up my bum.
I really didn't want to have to do that.
Some of those ambient people
looking very put-out,
and if this was any other kind of nightclub,
I would say it could turn nasty.
Yeah, lucky for Pete they've had nothing stronger to drink
than a wheatgrass smoothie.
'Well, Pete perhaps getting his just deserts.
'It's difficult to see Oxfam getting that 35 quid now, though.'
Pete?
Oh, hello again, Mr Spencer!
What happened to your shoes?
I don't know. I'm not drunk.
I-I was just, um...
I had to give 'em to a mate.
Look, I'm almost finished here.
What about I drop you at a hostel?
'Well, he hasn't even got enough money for the night bus,
'and zone four is an awful long way to walk in your socks.'
Yeah, all right.
Thank you.
Oh, this is Derek. He'll show you the ropes at the hostel.
'Oh, it looks like Pete
'might be getting a finger up the bum after all, Colin.'
Thank you, Terry. Your highlights tonight?
I think it's got to be the moment when Pete
was nicking the trainers and he shouted "wanky shop".
Well, a bit of an unfortunate choice from Terry there.
Thank you for your contributions. Thank you for watching,
and join us again next time when Pete takes on life.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells